I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
