Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
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