Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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