Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
A+ Viking dick
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
