Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
