There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
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