you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
