i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize