I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
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