I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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