I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
