dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
the condom got lost in my hair
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
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