his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
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