Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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