I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
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