Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize