I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
