Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Randomize
