I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
Randomize
