It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Randomize
