I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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