So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize
