16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
