Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
