This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
