So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
How's work?
Spinning.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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