I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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