I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
Randomize
