does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize