there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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