She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
