I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Randomize
