umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Randomize
