i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
