I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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