she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
