Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Randomize
