When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
