Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize
