i love accidental penises.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
