the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
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