chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Randomize
