all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
