I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
