My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
