The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize
