dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
