I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Barsexuality is the new black.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Randomize
