vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize