oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
