between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
