let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
Randomize
