When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
Randomize
