i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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