I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
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