Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
Quick, to the slutcave!
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize