Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
Semen is not good for contacts.
you had me at cake vodka
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
