I looked at my own cervix.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
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