Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth?
hahahahahahahahahahaha
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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